


(un)tether

by starrytae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27572842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrytae/pseuds/starrytae
Summary: Mark never wanted anything other than Johnny. He still doesn’t. His heart is still holding onto Johnny desperately, grasping onto their tether with a white-knuckle grip. His soul, on the other hand, hasn’t gotten the memo.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 13
Kudos: 78
Collections: Challenge #3 — soulmates





	(un)tether

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnqkZf5IA_U)

It doesn’t happen overnight. It happens gradually, kind of like the way the sky changes when the sun sets. There are stages that sneak up on you, little things changing here and there and maybe you don’t even realize it until you're staring at a dusky sky speckled with early starlight.

That’s how Mark would describe it. Laying in bed right beside his soulmate, watching as Johnny sleeps, chest rising and falling, eyelashes fluttering against the tops of his cheeks; he’s doing what he’s always done on sleepless nights and yet his heart isn’t settling into his chest and his mind isn’t slowing down to match the pace of Johnny’s breathing. 

He feels his heart speeding up if anything, an unfamiliar thrum in his veins that makes him feel a lot less comfortable, a lot less _home_ , and it grips him in fear. 

He stays awake the rest of the night until morning sunlight begins to stream through the curtains and his fears wash away with the last bits of moonlight, as Johnny throws an arm around his waist and pulls him in close, whispering a soft “good morning” against his hair and pressing a sweet kiss to his temple. 

* * *

It’s called untethering. It’s rare, but it can happen. The entire point of soulmates is that you feel so connected to one another that your souls tangle and twine together—they **tether** to one another like a rope that holds a boat ashore. Your soul finds something to hold onto, something to help make the rocky waves of life easier to bear. 

Mark met Johnny in his first year of college and it was the first time that Mark felt like all the pieces of his life had lined up _just right_. He’d felt a magnetic pull as his heart sped up, slowed down, and stopped all at once and he knew then—eye-to-eye with the senior campus photographer with a gentle smile and kind eyes—that this was his soulmate. 

Meeting Johnny was destiny and every day, every moment since then has been nothing short of a storybook romance. Coffee kisses and tangled hands in the morning followed by cabernet kisses and tangled legs as they fall into bed at night; dancing at midnight in the kitchen with no music at all to guide them, just laughter pressed against one another’s lips; soft smiles, even softer touches, and an overwhelming sense of adoration that flows endlessly between the two of them. Mark fell for Johnny easily and he wonders if there was ever any other option besides this—besides _them_ —because Johnny looks at him like he’s a precious gift to this world and treats him much the same. 

But lately something feels off-kilter. The balance between them is skewed, even just by a fraction, and Mark can feel the difference as if it’s tangible and it keeps him awake at night. While his hand lays on Johnny’s chest, feeling the familiar slow-and-steady rhythm of his heartbeat in his chest, his own pulse is racing, mind going a hundred miles a minute, and he can’t help but feel an emptiness in his chest as he silently begs the universe to let him go back to normal. 

The next time Mark feels it is when they’re surrounded by friends. Kun and Ten are having a movie night and the usual roster of friends are in attendance. Donghyuck and Yangyang are being disgustingly cute, snuggled up on the recliner, Doyoung and Taeyong are holding hands where they sit on the couch, and Ten is asleep on Kun’s shoulder. 

Mark is sitting on the floor beside Johnny, tucked into his side, one of Johnny’s arms draped over his shoulder. It’s a night like countless others they’ve spent just like this, nothing should be different. But when the room bursts into laughter at the scene on the TV, Johnny takes a moment to pull him in closer, lips pressing to the top of his head in a soft, short kiss and it makes Mark’s skin _burn._ He wants to unfurl from where their bodies are touching, wants to lean away from Johnny’s familiar touch because it’s become more suffocating than comforting, and his heart is jumping into his throat as his fingers dig into the skin of his thighs to ground himself. 

He just swallows it down—swallows the fear that’s building in his head and in his heart—and buries his face in Johnny’s neck to try and deny the obvious and suffocate his heart some more (because when it comes down to it, choking on Johnny’s love and the faint smell of his cologne is much easier than choking on fear, doubt, and unease). 

* * *

It’s a lot like falling out of love, but worse. You don’t just lose the person, you don’t just lose the love and the feelings of giddy happiness and warm contentment, the familiar comfort of home that’s become synonymous with your soulmate; you lose part of yourself.

Johnny still looks at him the same way. Johnny still kisses him the same. Their hands still lace together perfectly and Mark still fits in Johnny’s embrace like it was made just for him. All the pieces still line up and Mark thinks that’s the worst part. Nothing has changed, yet it feels like _everything_ has turned upside down.

And Mark hates it, he doesn’t want it—they never asked for this. It’s why he denies the truth, shoves the thought down so deep that it only crawls up at night when the rest of the world seems to sleep and all there’s left is him, his thoughts, and his _stupid_ soul. But he feels it all the same, feels the way his soul wants to pull away, to untangle, to untwine—and a soulmate tether has two parts so it only makes sense that Johnny feels it too. 

Johnny brings it up first because if it were up to Mark, he’d live the rest of his life this way: in sweet denial and ignorant bliss, clinging onto every bit of love and light Johnny’s laughter brings him—fighting tooth and nail and grasping onto the last bits of them like the world is burning and this, _love,_ is the only thing that can smother the flames. 

“Something’s changed, hasn’t it?”

They’re sitting on the couch, reruns from their favorite TV show playing, and Mark’s head is perched on Johnny’s shoulder, their hands laced together in his lap where Johnny is playing with his fingers mindlessly. Mark pulls away as Johnny speaks, looking towards his face and feeling his stomach drop as he sees a small frown pulling at Johnny’s lips, a small crease forming between his brows. 

“What do you mean?” His voice is thick, and Johnny levels him with a look much too serious for his usual playful demeanor. 

“You tell me, Mark.”

A beat of silence passes between them before Johnny is sighing, sitting up and leaning forward, running a hand through his hair and Mark feels an awful lot like he’s on a rollercoaster that’s headed up towards the peak (he’s just waiting for the drop).

“I feel it too, you know. You don’t seem to want to talk about it so I haven’t pushed, but… I don’t think we can ignore it anymore.” 

Mark doesn’t even let Johnny finish talking before he’s shifting, throwing a leg over Johnny and wrapping his arms around his neck, holding him close and trying to grab onto what’s left of their tether desperately, physically—as if holding Johnny close can repair the rift between their souls. Johnny presses their foreheads together and they stay like that, Johnny holding Mark close in his lap, holding one another as close as possible and breathing each other in, trying to find that familiar wavelength their souls used to know like the back of their hand and just… _missing it._

“Talking about it makes it real.” 

And that’s the thing. He hates that this is happening, that this is real. He never thought in a million years it could happen to him, to _them_. But here they are, not an inch of space to be found between their bodies yet it feels like there’s a gap of distance no amount of time, no amount of whispered apologies or soft “I love you”s can mend. 

He pulls away then and when he looks up at Johnny (Johnny, who has always been such an open book — clear eyes and a transparent soul), every part of him is blocked off. 

“It’s been real, Mark.” There’s pity weighing his voice down and a smile that’s empty and sad carving its way onto his lips. “Whether we want it to or not, this is happening and—”

“I don’t want it, Johnny.” His voice is frantic as he scrambles, grabbing Johnny’s face between his hands and begging his soul to feel _something_ again, begging it to grab onto this lifeline, this tether, the same way that his heart is. “I don’t want to lose this.” He feels tears burning against his eyes, blurring his vision and clinging to his eyelashes and he blinks to try to hold them back as he swallows the lump in his throat. 

When he opens his eyes again, the way Johnny looks at him is the final nail in the coffin. It’s full of fondness and adoration and undeniable _love_ but it’s not the same. It’s not enough. He knows in that moment, even with Johnny looking at him like he’s _everything_ , that they’re done for.

Johnny reaches his hand up, thumb tracing over his cheek gently as his hand cradles his jaw in a way that makes Mark’s heart ache violently in his chest. 

“I don’t want this either, you know that. If I could, I’d spend forever with you Mark. But ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away. This is going to happen no matter what and I think you and I both know it’s best to get it over with before either of us get hurt.” 

_‘It’s a little too late for that’_ , Mark thinks as his eyes flicker down, hands clenching the fabric of Johnny’s shirt in his hands, trying to hold onto _something_ as the rest of the world crumbles into pieces around them. Johnny is the only real home he’s ever known and now his soul has betrayed him and taken the one thing that made him feel whole. 

“Do we have to do this?” His voice breaks on the last word as he finally finds the courage to look at Johnny again. 

Johnny doesn’t say anything. He just leans forward, pressing his lips against Mark’s forehead, and for one last moment their hearts beat in sync. For one last second, Mark feels whole, feels home, feels like things will be okay. For one last time, they’re soulmates. And in that moment, the silent _yes_ echoes in their apartment, in the space between them. 

When Johnny pulls away, Mark feels a part of him break away too.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry :(


End file.
